


maybe

by bookstorelesbian



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Good Babysitter Steve Harrington, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kinda Sad NGL, Max Mayfield centric, Max Mayfield needs a hug, Post-Stranger Things 3, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, Talking about your feelings, hurt max mayfield, max and steve are bros, max and steve feels, morally ambiguous billy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23831329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookstorelesbian/pseuds/bookstorelesbian
Summary: "I hated him you know."or, Max and Steve talk after Billy's funeral.  Study of Max and Billy's relationship, from when they met to when he died, and everything after.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Steve Harrington & Maxine "Max" Mayfield
Comments: 9
Kudos: 52





	maybe

“I hated him you know.” Max stared at her hands, her fingers interlaced on her lap. Her nails were messily painted black, and she felt stupid for having done it in the first place. 

She could feel Steve’s eyes on her. They were sitting on a bench in the cemetery, and she could faintly hear the service still going on over at Billy’s gravestone. She wasn’t sure why Steve came, or why she even came. Neither of them belonged at a place celebrating his life,

The party was standing with the crowd, all in black. She usually didn’t like to call them the party, just her friends. It sounded more grown up, but right now she didn’t feel very grown up. She could see them glancing over at her and Steve, not daring to come over. She appreciated it.

“He was an asshole.” She finally said, the words spilling out of her mouth before things like sense and reason could take over. “I hated him so much. So goddamn much Steve.” 

She lifted her gaze and stared at the other boy. He was the same age as Billy was, the same height, and same stupid pretty face. But he was so different. He was gentle and kind, and alive. 

She shut her eyes. “I wanted him to die so much. I wished for it all the time. If he was dead then he would finally leave me alone. Without him I thought I would finally be able to be happy. But now-“ Her words stopped, and she went back to staring at her hands. 

She could remember all the bruises there used to be on the wrists she was staring at, and could still see his hands grabbing her, holding her so tight that she didn’t think she could ever escape.

Max forced herself to look away from her arms, now plain milky white, only marred by freckles. She sighed. “But Steve? Now he’s dead. And I cried over his body, and I got dressed up in all black and tried to pretend that I’m sad but I’m not.” She paused. “I’m just empty.”

Harrington clearly was out of his depth. He had his mouth open like he wanted to say something, but words didn’t come. So Max just kept going.

“I know it's fucked up. God I feel like a terrible person for saying any of this, I feel like a terrible person just for thinking it.” 

It really was messed up. She was pretty sure that she was permanently damaged at this point. Somewhere along the line her mind had gotten fucked up, and now she was like this. Angry and unforgiving. Just like Billy. She hated it. She hated him.

“He beat the shit out of my boyfriend, he beat the shit out of you, fuck, he beat the shit out of anyone who spoke to him. But he was my brother.” She waited for tears to fill her eyes but none came. She had nothing to cry about. 

She wished she could cry about it. She did when she first saw his body. She fell into El’s arms and just sobbed her eyes out. It felt terrible. She hated crying. She wished more than anything she could conjure up a single tear.

It would mean she wasn’t a bad person. It would mean she really cared. Unlike Billy. She wanted to cry just so she could prove she wasn’t like Billy. Prove that she had emotions, that she wasn’t a monster who didn’t miss her brother.

The worst part was that she was that monster. She didn’t miss him. She didn’t care. She was exactly like Billy was, right until the very end. Apathetic, uncaring, cruel. 

Even her fucked up mind could validate hating the old Billy. The one that didn’t care at all, the one that hurt everyone around her. But he didn’t die. Of course he had to fucking sacrifice himself, prove that he was good, prove that he was human. 

She wished he hadn’t done it. She wished he had turned out to be just as bad a person as everyone thought. It would make this so much easier.

It was terrible of her. To want to deprive Billy of his one truly good moment in life. To want him to die a villian instead of fucking repenting. She wanted him to leave the earth in the red. She knew it was wrong. She hated how she thought like that. She just wanted everything to be clear. To have him die as he lived instead of making everything so confusing. 

“How am I supposed to feel?” She choked out, and Steve bumped her arm softly, letting her know he was there. She almost smiled. “He died a hero. He was just a kid. He was a total asshole, but who knows, maybe he would have changed. But now we’ll never know.” 

She paused, but continued on. “I should be happy he’s dead. He hurt so many people. He was my tormentor, and it was either him dead or the only people I’ve ever cared about. It’s no choice.” Max closed her eyes tight. “I am happy he’s dead. I think. But not the right happy. I don’t think I’m anything anymore.”

She clenched her fists and felt her nails pierce her palm, pressing down so hard she bit her lit. She relished the pain and squeezed tighter. 

“He’s dead and I don’t know what to do. I hate him so much Steve, I really do.” She felt his eyes on her, but plowed on, refusing to look his way. “I want to just hate him, but now he’s dead. He didn’t have any friends, he didn’t have anyone, and he was all alone and scared and just like me, and what’s supposed to happen now Steve?”

She let out a labored breath, and looked back over at his grave. She wanted to scream at all the people standing there, acting like they had the right to be sad. No one did. No one liked him in life, and no one should get to like him in death. She forced her eyes away and looked back to Steve.

“The only people at his funeral are the girls who wanted to fuck him, the girls who did fuck him, and a bunch of kids who he hated. He died and nobody cares, not even me. Do you know how fucked up that is?”

She wanted to care. She wanted to care so badly. But no one did. No one loved him, not even his shitty dad. 

She wanted to blame it on Billy that there was no one there. He was the one who went around hurting everyone else. He was the fucking keg king, the one that fucked up every relationship he had. It would be easier to think about it that way. The way that she knew her friends could just think about him. To them, he was just her shitty step brother who beat Lucas and Steve up. His moment at the end was nothing but a fluke.

But they didn’t know the whole story. Neither did Max to be honest. All she knew were mean looks and hard touches, ones that Billy learned from Neil. She wanted to blame Neil for everything, but she couldn’t do that either. Because Billy made the choice in the end. He chose to destroy everything, he chose to hurt her. But he also chose to be good in his last moment.

The only person who even sort of got it was El. She told Max what she saw, that stupid moment on the beach. The one that made him be good. It almost proved that it was just the fucked up circumstances that made Billy the asshole she knew and hated. But she wasn’t good enough to forgive him for everything. She wasn’t bad enough to absolutely despise him either.

She looked up at Steve, eyes pleading for answers. Steve didn’t give her any. He just wrapped his arm around her side and pulled her close. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed.

She didn’t really want to talk anymore. She didn’t want to do anything. To be honest she wanted to run all the way back to California and leave the stupid cemetery and all the stupid memories of this place. She wanted to shut off her brain and just let everything be okay.

But she was glued in her seat. Because she knew she couldn’t abandon Billy here with all these people who gave less of a fuck then even she did. He hated being alone more than anything else. And he hated a lot of things.

Steve tightened his grip around her. She didn’t even flinch like she used to. Maybe it was because she knew Billy was gone. She didn’t want to think about that.

“You know, I used to be a total asshole.” Steve didn’t look at her, just stared forward. She wanted to catch his eye, but sat silently instead.

He bit his lip before continuing. “I was more than an asshole, I was- I was just the worst. Drank, partied, called people words I won't even repeat.” He ran his hands through his hair, and Max leaned deeper into his side. 

“I hated my Dad, hated the world, hated my friends, and hated myself even more.” She could feel him look down at her, and she closed her eyes, melting into his touch.

“Nance tried to straighten me out, but it was bullshit. She never even liked me. It was you dumbasses that did it.” She let out a smile, a pitiful choking noise coming out her throat at the motion. It was embarrassing, but Steve didn’t react.

“Who would have thought that a bunch of nerdy middle schoolers would be the ones to finally make me feel something?” Steve paused, squeezing her shoulder. She tried to hold onto some of his strength. “The only fight that I’m proud to have started was that one with Billy.”

Max stared up at him. “Why are you telling me this?” She asked softly, her voice far too quiet for her liking. Steve let out a little laugh.

“I’m not really sure. I just- I used to be like him, you know? I could have been like him.”

“You’re not making me feel better.” She said sadly, and Steve sighed.

“I know Maxie. I just- Enough people made things up so they could feel better today. I’m not going to.”

She knew what he meant by that. If she saw one more 17 year old girl crying about him like she knew him, Max thought she might barf. None of them knew him. None of them liked him. At least Max and Steve would fucking admit it.

“Here's the thing.” Steve began, tapping his fingers on his lap. “I could have been like Billy. But I’m not. Maybe he could have changed, maybe he could have done good if he had time.” 

It wasn’t making her feel better at all. She didn’t want to hear that he could have been good. She didn’t want to hear that she shouldn't hate him. She didn’t want to hear that maybe she could have had another Steve. 

He looked down at her sadly. “Maybe he did the best he could with what he had. But Max, we can’t deny, in the end he did the right thing. And it’s confusing. To me he’ll always be the boy that hurt you and Lucas, that smashed me in the head with a plate. But now he's also the boy that saved El’s life and the boy that stopped the Mind Flayer.”

Max’s throat got really tight. It hurt. Steve touched her back softly “You know Keith? From the arcade?”

She nodded slowly, confused. “Yeah, of course I know Keith.” She didn’t get why he brought it up. They were kind of having an emotional conversation. She wasn’t exactly well versed in this type of thing, but usually weird video game guys didn’t come up.

“Robin and I went to apply for a job the other day. Keith was the one interviewing us. He absolutely hates my guts.”

Steve let out a laugh, but it was hard and hurting. She wanted to give him a hug, but didn’t have the energy to move, to do anything but sit and listen. “God I was a dick to him in high school. I bullied the shit out of that kid, and he hates me for it. I don’t blame him.” She put her hand on his. 

“Robin convinced him to let me in. Told him that I would bring in girls and shit. We both know I won’t. I haven’t been on a date in ages, I just hang out with you shitheads. But Keith didn’t know that.

“I’m always going to be King Steve in Keith’s eyes. Even though I’m different now, I don’t expect him to see that. Cause I hurt him really bad, and that blocks out how well he can see the good. That makes sense, and I’m never gonna expect him to think I’m a good person. In his life, I did more bad than good. If I died today, he probably wouldn’t like me that much, and that would make perfect sense. I would be more concerned if he did like me. If he came to my funeral and acted like everything was fine then he would just be lying, like all those people over there.

“But the fact that I hurt him doesn’t change who I was in the end. How I’m trying to be a decent mentor for Dustin, how I drive you shitheads around every day, how I’m working to become a police officer, and doing everything I can to make up for the way I used to be. Him not liking me doesn’t make me bad in the end, you know?” 

Steve breathed heavy. “I’m having trouble wording it Max, but I guess I’m trying to say that Keith not crying at my funeral doesn’t make the good that I did at the end of my life useless. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Max nodded slowly. Steve let out a relieved sigh, before shifting his position so he could look her dead in the eye.

“Max, he hurt you, and he hurt the people you care about. You not loving him doesn’t make you bad, it makes you good. You not knowing how you feel about him doesn’t change the fact that he did good in the end. It doesn’t make his sacrifice less valuable. You don’t have to pretend that all the fucked up stuff didn’t happen so you can honor his memory.” He smiled at her, and she felt her eyes well up. “You’re not bad Mayfield.”

That's what broke her. Mayfield. She sobbed loudly, the noise catching in her throat, taking her breath away. She buried her face in Steve's arm, and squeezed her eyes tight, as he rubbed her back and whispered to her.

She wasn’t sure who she was crying for. Maybe it was Billy, or Steve, or Hopper, or maybe her. Maybe it was for all the chances Billy missed cause he was dead, maybe it was all the shitty chances he took while he was still alive. Maybe it was everything and none of it at the same time. It was all too much to think at once, so she didn’t try. She just cried.

“You can never tell anyone I said this, but I love you kid.” Steve finally said as Max’s sobs died down into tiny wimpers of pain. She could hear the fondness in his voice, and she felt it in her chest.

She moved her head out of his shirt, and wiped her eyes messily with her sleeve. “Love you too Steve.” His name came out choked and forced, but he didn’t look offended.

“You’re not a bad person either Steve.” Max said slowly, and he looked over at her, his eyes distant.

“I hope you’re right Max.”

“I know I’m right.”

It was quiet. She could hear the murmurs of a crowd over at Billy’s grave, and she felt a pang in her chest seeing the funeral procession. 

“I hope he’s happy now.” She finally says, the ghost of a smile on her lips. “I hate him, but I hope he’s happy now.”

Steve nodded, and she leaned back against him, calm flowing through her body. She hoped he was okay. That he was back on that beach now, with his Mom. 

He was a shit person the entirety of her life. She could never forgive him. He would never be a good person to her. But maybe he could be a good person there. 

Maybe.

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> here it is! please drop a comment if you want to, I've had this story in my drafts for a while and just decided to put it out there. max and billy have such a fascinating relationship, and this was my take on it. i feel like a lot of people try and put billy into a box as either good or bad, and he just isn't. i wanted to explore his character a little more and this is how it came out, so let me know your thoughts! obviously a super niche genre of fic, so to everyone that took the time to read thank you so much.


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